GUTTER BLOGS
"EXPLAINING TRUTH FROM THE BOTTOM UP"






Looking up at the sky and the sun is bright with rays that warm your skin. The clouds are fluffy like a goose feathered down pillow. I feel the wind touching me softer than a lover's first kiss on the neck. Sounds of tree leaves moving with the whispering wind reminds me of a voice softly speaking your name. With such beauty, why would I ever want to close my eyes? GOD PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME BLINK!!! Before please can come out my mouth, my eyes are closed. DARKNESS!!!

It's been a long time since I've been here, this place that makes my chest hurt. I can't breathe but when I do, with each breath drops a tear. WHY? WHY NOW? WHY CAN'T I STILL BE TOUGH ON THE INSIDE AND OUT? LORD ANSWER ME!!!
My eyes are open.

Children playing simple games like "Hide-n-Seek". Their laughter makes anyone near reminisce of their childhood past. Hearty giggles force you to look their way and just watch them play. Running around in a circle just fast enough for the little ones to be within fingers reach. Yet they don't run too fast so that the game isn't fun. Here we go again as the dust in my eyes makes me blink. DARN!
My eyes are closed.

Why can't I I just stay in the part of my life where watching kids play is fulfilling? I need that place. Every time my eyes close I'm here, where pain makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack, Asthma attack, and the Flu in short I'm hurting all over. I don't want to close my eyes; bad dreams are a part of my everyday reality. In youth death was like a close relative waiting to see who was next on the visitors list. The understanding of death came way too early in my life. No one ever asked me why was gray my favorite color; it was the first color that ever stuck in my head. At the age of eight it was the color of my father's casket. While other children would've told you pink, green, red or purple. Gray was mine.
My eyes are open.

I have and will never see another smile like his. Eyes brown with deep thought behind them, never will truly know what the thoughts are. Life often times is better with a mystery behind it. Strength I mean strong very strong, don't get me wrong I know there is a weak point there. Yet strength is what he always displays to me. A strength that can only come from FEARING GOD, needless to say he does. He is my rock that my tears fall on, my husband Delvyn.
My eyes are closed.

It's time again, man I hate to blink; Grandma has Cancer my mother's MOMMY. I cry so hard because I have never seen her cry. Ethel White Strong GOD FEARING WOMAN; that spent twenty-fours hours in labor with me! I can't remember seeing her cry at my father's funeral. I cry because she doesn't. At least I have never seen a tear fall from her face if it wasn't because of laughter. I inhale but I can't breathe. What is the reason behind this? At some point this has to stop.
My eyes are open.

A song is stuck in my head, however I don't know the title; but the words are there. "Jesus is on the main line tell him what you want, Jesus is on the main line tell him what you want." It's STUCK IN MY HEAD!!! So I stop what I'm doing and do just that. I tell God how I feel, what I've been feeling and how I need to breathe. Much more was said and asked of Him. Most importantly were peace and the strength that my mother has. Her eyes always display freedom to me, she might be feeling differently inside but her eyes tell me different.
My eyes are closed.

Dear heavenly Father I NEVER want to start a prayer without giving you thanks first. Lord thank you for my family, thank you for every blessing you have given us. Father I come to you with a heavy heart and mind. I need peace and freedom. I am in pain in my soul; I don't want to blink my eyes because of the thoughts that come to my mind. I want to have the strength to fight off the sadness. I have faith in you; I don't understand why I can't fight the thoughts. I hear a voice LOUD AND CLEAR..., "NADJA WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SCRIPTURE?"
My eyes are open and so is the Bible

THE PSALMS
27
The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation
A Psalm of David.
1. The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2. When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes,
came upon me to eat up my flesh,
they stumbled and fell.
3. Though a host should encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear:
though war should rise against me,
in this will I be confident.
4. One thing have I desired of the LORD,
that will I seek after;
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all my days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the LORD,
and to inquire in his temple.
5. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion:
in the secrets of his tabernacle shall he hide me;
he shall set me up upon a rock.
6. And now shall mine head be lifted up
above mine enemies round about me:
therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy;
I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.
7. Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice:
have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
8. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face;
my heart said unto thee,
Thy face, LORD, will I seek.
Peace and Strength my eyes are open and no longer afraid to blink.






Over the past few decades many people who haven't seen their married friends in a while greet them by asking, “Are you and what's his/her name still married?” Why isn’t it the option to say, "When are you all having your 20yr anniversary dinner not there?” Marriage, in my eyes is looked at as a temporary "situation" (Erykau Badu). I personally never had a great example of how a marriage was supposed to be. With that said, I was forced to try and figure it out on my own. When the path of marriage was filled with boulders, I didn't want to exercise and climb them. Never the less, even without the example of what to do when things are going wrong wasn't there, I still tried to keep it together. My husband was also in the same boat I was in with no one to show him how a marriage was meant to be. When things weren't going the way he felt it should be, running was the same path he wanted to take; just like generations before him.

What makes running so easy for many people? The only thing that comes to mind for me is; people have been taught by example to run from something that scares them, then to stay and show that you have a little ounce of courage. When life gets hard, husbands and wives need to show that they’re warriors. Getting stabbed in the fatty tissue of your leg is just a flesh wound. Don't get me wrong; taking a knife to the heart (Infidelity) is another story. We need to fight! If we don't step up to the plate and be an example for the next generation then the 360° effect will equal infinity.
In the first half of my marriage with drama coming from every angle, the warrior in me was getting exhausted. My husband was strapping up his sprinting shoes. After talking about seeing a marriage counselor, I then saw that we were going to put on our armor and get ready for round two. We talked to our pastor and seen that outside of fighting each other, we were fighting generational curses. Neither my husband nor I were quitters. If this meant we had to fight in order to show God we meant our vows, THEN SO BE IT!

If we had of “GAVE UP”, we would have never been blessed with our sons. If we had of “GAVE UP”, we wouldn't be able to show our friends, family and on lookers what a marriage can be like.
I am not saying marriage will have a fairy tale ending, because there is no ending. Marriage is an ongoing work in progress. Showing your strength in a marriage shows others your true character.



